Tina Rowley

writer + (performer) + [space left open for surprises]

bringing the emmys alive in 5-7-5

Welcome back, everybody! Boy, do I have the post for what you're still talking about three weeks later around the water cooler, and that's this post about the Emmy Awards. From 2014. 

Here's the thing. 

You know I love the red carpet. You know I do. Also, you know how you find a fresh song you love and you play it 12 times a day for weeks and you know you're sucking the magic out of it but you keep cueing it up anyway because tomorrow when the song will be dead is the future and the future is some stupid rumor that's probably not even true? The future is true, everybody. I'm there now standing on a mountain of dead songs, and maybe if we're not careful a pile of dead red carpet posts. 

I want to talk about the Emmys but this is the fifth red carpet post I've done this year, which might be more than all the red carpet posts from all the previous years of my blog. I have to protect this form from extinction. I have to be wily. So I'm doing somehing new. With every photograph, I'm giving myself three minutes max to write a haiku about it. I'm timing myself with a timer. Here, look:

A timer. And then I was going to say, "And listen:" but the Blogger app won't let me upload the video I took of me pressing the button and playing the 'Alarm' sound for you, which I've decided after extensive sound trials is the best way to clock out of writing a haiku. It sounds like this:

 {{{BLONK}}} {{{BLONK}}} {{{BLONK}}} {{{BLONK}}} {{{BLONK}}} {{{BLONK}}} 

But more horrible. 

Let's begin!

Poofy risk taker

In blood-dipped maxi-tutu,


(Three minutes is hard.)

Here, fresh from battle:

Samurai Debra Messing.

She lost but she lived.

Lucy Liu looks nice

In my Mommy's old nightgown.

I loved that nightgown. 

Orange creamsicle,

What are you hiding in there?

Floral lace bike shorts?

Christina Hendricks

In flaming persimmon:

That shit is not fair.

Cylons and Klingons!

Commence fighting over your

Cranky, pointy bride.

Modest lady in

the most popular color,

So sweet and so smug.

I'd love this cape more

If Christine Baranski would 

Fly around in it.

Cheerful PoMo elf!

Tell us about Thunderdome!

That sounds super fun! 

Kate Walsh looks like a 

Statuesque jonquil

In this flippy gown.

Your shiny gold can't

Distract me from my question:

Are you wearing braces?

Camilla Alves

Has mad sophisticated

Paper snowflake skillz.

Little pink bundle 

We call Zooey Deschanel:

You take teeny steps.

Once upon a time,

A dress that was a mullet

was Jon Hamm's girlfriend.

Vanessa Williams.

I don't know what to make of 

Your minty peplum.

Katherine Heigl

Is the benevolent queen

Of this parking lot.

This lady looks great.

I just really, really think

This lady looks great.

Allison Janney's

Rosy, wine-y velvet gown 

Looked brighter on stage.

Everybody loves

Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

That's all. Move along.

I love blondes in red,

And five syllable names like

January Jones.

Hey! Howard Johnson's.

That was a line of motels

With this color scheme.

Seth Meyers' lady.

Like a star high school athlete

All girled up for prom.

It's Freaky Friday!

But with Mayim Bialik

And Kate Middleton. 

Hey, look at my ass.

Oh, gross. You're looking at it. 

But look at it, though. 

Saturday Night Live.

Katie McKinnon from it.

She seems kind of mad.

Looking tough in a 

Fancy army parachute:

Sarah Silverman!

Hi, I'm Danielle Brooks.

Does Tina like me the best?

Fuck yes because RAD.

Look, Kelly Osbourne.

I'm always gonna be like,

"What'd you do THIS time?"

Lampshade-shaped lady,

You made time and space stand still.

Is what it looks like.

Listen, you fuckers.

Robin Wright can kick your ass

Even without feet.

Michelle Dockery

Is a flight attendant on

Heavenly Airlines. 

A little mesh bell

With a confusing waistline

For Kiernan Shipka

Kaley Cuoco!

Technicolor butterfly,

I rescind old snark. 

The end.