i want my balloon back
A while ago, I wrote this post (which explains, eventually, the title of this one) about how I felt I was ready to let acting go and embrace writing in its place. Dumb me, I always think I can kill and then bury these deep desires. You can starve the little unnecessary ones, no problem. They wither and float away and you never remember they were ever there. But I always do this; I take my pride and pain and fear and cut them up and mix them around and refashion them into some practical-looking garment that I can parade around in and look wise. What? Oh, no. That? No. No, I don't need that. No, I outgrew that. Yes, check me out, I'm traveling light.
You know what it is? What acting gave me I think I might not need so much any more. As I get older, I find I don’t so much need an outlet for the parts of myself I repress in my daily life, because I think…I THINK…that I’m not repressing myself so much. I don’t sacrifice truthfulness on the altar of my persona in the way I may have done back in the day.
So I thought I had snuffed it out, my desire to act. And then last fall, an ember was found lying in wait. And then this morning I had an epiphany, courtesy of my meditation practice. I follow this path called The Way of Seeing (so linky today, Link Wray), which, among other things, entails 25 minutes of counting meditation in the morning immediately followed by ten minutes of laying back quietly and just being present with yourself without getting caught up in your thoughts. I've been having a tricky time with the laying back. Thoughtsthoughtsthoughts. And then this morning, it occurred to me that I could try a little trick and approach these ten minutes as though I were bade to go onstage and sit on a chair, quietly, and just be present/open. Oh, that! That's what this is! Now I get it, I can do that. I can go onstage and do nothing. I love going onstage and doing nothing, in fact. This is that, minus the audience. Excellent. And I could feel then how clearly it's a part of me, how deep it is, what an orientation it is, being an actor.