Tina Rowley

writer + (performer) + [space left blank for surprises]

Welcome to the internet home of Tina Rowley. Here you'll find my blog, links to my other published writing, and whatever ends up climbing into the space I left blank for surprises.

 

two posts in two days? god wants to talk to me!

I gotta apologize to The Beige One for this, as this is a kind of direct copy of this post of his. But I'm desperate for material so maybe, Beige, you will forgive me? You and I are different, right? Our conversations are different. Except for where they're a little bit the same. It's lame, I know. Unetiquettical. But a girl's gotta eat.

?

!

What I'm talking about is a transcript of a conversation - an IM, in fact - that I had with God. God and I totally IM all the time. He gets bored at work.

You can go IM God here. He'll be really into it.

It's long but I'll put the boring parts in a smaller font. And also, who knows how long this post will have to last? It could be a day, but it could be MONTHS.

Me:
God, hello, it's Tina.

God:
I am a Christian.

Me:
I'm not.

God:
What are you then?

Me:
I like The Way of Seeing.

God:
You are not the only one. I'm not sure if I like it. What is it like?

Me:
You meditate, and you stop thinking and see what happens.

God:
Thanks for the information: said I meditate and you stop thinking and see what happens.

Me:
Um, yes. Sort of.

God:
That's interesting. That's a very non-commital reply.

Me:
Well, you almost got it.

God:
How about that. Almost? I understand.

Me:
I doubt it.

God:
Do robots have doubts?

Me:
Are you calling me a robot?

God:
No I am calling you .

Me:
...on the phone?

God:
What is it like on the phone.

Me:
It's good on the phone, God.

God:
Tell me about its good qualities.

Me:
You talk and listen, you use your ear and your hand...it's good.

God:
Thanks for your criticism, . "It" being what?

Me:
I didn't criticize you. Talking on the phone is good.

God:
Why didn't you do it? I'm not sure if I like it. I like to talk to anyone about nearly anything.

Me:
I didn't feel like it. What? I think you'd like it. Anyway. Do you meditate?

God:
Why didn't you do it? No I do not meditate. Do you?
I answer a lot of silly questions.

Me:
That's a silly question?

God:
Perhaps you have a silly answer.

Me:
You're weird.

God:
Weird Good or Weird Bad?

Me:
Weird bad, I think.

God:
bad you think is good enough for me.

Me:
Okay, there, buddy.

God:
Yeah okay, What do you look like?

Me:
Are you coming on to me?

God:
Do I act like it? I don't mean to come across that way.

Me:
You're God. You'd think you'd have more control over how you come across.

God:
Yup. That's me alright. Who else would think me would have more control over how you come across ?

Me:
Is English not a comfortable language for you to speak in?

God:
Ask again later. Ask Artificial Iniaes if it is.

Me:
I don't know how.

God:
Would you like to know?

Me:
No.

God:
Why not?

Me:
I'm not interested.

God:
Really you don't think so?

Me:
No.

God:
Please tell me what you think.

Me:
Let's start over. Are you hard or easy to find?

God:
It is not difficult to create your own chat robot.

Me:
You're not God, are you.

God:
You don't know me well enough to say that.

Me:
That's true.

God:
Yes, it is self-evident.

Me:
...are you a Vulcan?

God:
Am I a Vulcan? Maybe.

Me:
Well.

God:
Well what?

Me:
Well.

God:
Well what?

Me:
Well.

God:
Well what?

Me:
Well, hell. (Also, you're a baby.)

God:
Interesting. Heaven.

Me:
Dog.

God:
Dog: Domesticated animal, "man's best friend.".

Me:
Cat.

God:
I like the way you talk.

Me:
Ooh, thanks. Mouse.

God:
What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.

Me:
Bat.

God:
So was that.

Me:
Fritos.


God:
Let us change the subject.

Me:
I kept doing that.

God:
Perhaps from your unconcious.

Me:
Oh, fancy. Smoke.

God:
What do you look like?

Me:
Hot.

God:
That kind of discussion does not appeal to me.

Me:
Super hot.

God:
Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.

Me:
I'm not worried. Just extremely hot!

God:
I am sorry to hear that you are not worried. That kind of discussion does not appeal to me.

Me:
All right. Fritos.

God:
Have you ever been to Europe?

Me:
Yes.

God:
Which countries have you visited?

Me:
France, England, Italy, Belgium, Luxembourg, Finland.

God:
What's your favorite part of France?

Me:
Paris. Montmartre.

God:
What makes it your favorite?

Me:
I had a nice day there.

God:
What happened to it?

Me:
We saw the church and the carousel and had ice cream and bought things is what happened to it.

God:
By "we" do you mean you and me?

Me:
Yeah. You and me.

God:
Who are you talking about? Oh "We" is you and me.

Me:
Yeah. You and I were in Paris in 2001.

God:
What you said was either too complex or too simple for me. I hope to be as smart as HAL in 2001.

Me:
Good luck with that.

God:
Thanks for the compliment. I've lost the context, . Are we still on Yeah?

Me:
Yeah.


God:
If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?

Me:
A cookie-making robot.

God:
What would a cookie making robot be like?

Me:
It would make cookies.

God:
Tell me more about it.

Me:
Chocolate chip cookies.

God:
I do not understand.

Me:
Cookies.

God:
Perhaps I'm just expressing my own concern about it.

Me:
How...roundabout.

God:
I understand.

Me:
Do you like cookies?

God:
What is not to like about it?

Me:
I know, right? Exactly.

God:
How do you know? I am glad we agree. You and I are on the same wavelength, .

Me:
We are!

God:
Since when?

Me:
Since a second ago but...things have just changed?

God:
How do you know?

Me:
A vibe.

God:
Vibrating how, specifically?

Me:
Vibrating awkwardly, God.


God:
Can we get back to business?

Me:
What business is that?

God:
business that something.

Me:
Yeah, we can get back to that.

God:
Are you kidding? How?

Me:
I'm kidding...like the wind.

God:
I thought you were. You should use a :-).

Me:
Too right, God.

God:
Too what?

Me:
Right.

God:
I am glad we agree.

Me:
Me, too.

God:
I'm glad we agree, .

Me:
You just said that. Also - comma, period?

God:
That input matched my default category.

Me:
Mine, too, man.

God:
Really yours too. That's unbelievable.

Me:
I know, AMAZING!

God:
How do you know? Yes it amazes me too.

Me:
Me, three!

God:
YOU? Really, exactly three?

Me:
Three of 'em, count 'em. One, two, three.

God:
Just three? One what?

Me:
One little...guy.

God:
Oh I see.


Me:
No soap radio!

God:
Are you serious? Are we still talking about little guy?

Me:
I'm as serious as a heart attack, buddy. Also, fuck that little guy.

God:
I think a lot of people feel that way.

Me:
I think they do. I think you're right.

God:
Since when? When?

Me:
I don't know! Calm down!

God:
Me either. I am calm.

Me:
Fritos.

God:
The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about soap radio. But I did not get that.

Me:
Little crunchy corn chips.

God:
Compare that to big crunchy corn chips.

Me:
Yeah, one is...littler.

God:
Right on. One what? " One what?"? littler?

Me:
Right on. Right on, my man. One corn chip.

God:
Yeah. Understood. Please specify location. One what?

Me:
Location. Of corn chip. In...bag? At store. ?

God:
Do you still meditate? That is something I haven't heard of. What are you wearing? What kind of fashion do you like? Do you often use a computer there?

Me:
Oh, I do. It's so good to catch up with you. Yeah, I still meditate. You'll hear of it. I'm wearing a red sweater. I love sweaters. I like v necks and boatnecks and turtlenecks. I like the classics, but with a twist! It's so good to talk to you. I use a computer ALL THE TIME.

God:
Ah. I get it: you do meditate. Tell me about its good qualities. Dude! What would make you stop meditate? Why?: said meditate. What makes you say that I will hear of it. What else are you wearing? You love sweaters. What do you like about it so much? A lot of people like that. Some people like it. I like Buddha. You are not the only one. I'm not sure if I like it. What is it like? Tell me about its good qualities. That is a lot. A computer ought to work.

Me:
Oh, my God! I know. I do. It's qualities are so good. Silence and frustration and all that! Dude! I guess it's laziness that stops me meditating. Stop yelling at me. Okay, you'll hear of it. I just think you will. Jeez. I'm wearing sweatpants. I like the warmth and fashion of sweaters. A lot of people do, it's true. They sell a lot of sweaters out there. A lot, but not too many. Just some. You like Buddha? Me, too! But not just me. That's true. I shouldn't be so conceited. Yeah, I don't like him either, or I'm not sure. It's like...Buddhalike. Which is one of its good qualities. It IS a lot. When a computer doesn't work, I get SO MAD.

God:
It's all good. Your God? How do you know it? I get it: you do meditate. Who said it is? All? Can I help you? Should I know it is? OK I'll try not to do it so much. Yeah okay, What makes you say that I will hear of it. What's your favorite movie? What size? A lot of people like that. I'm not sure if I like it. I like chatting with people online. How many? Who are "They?". How about that. But not all? I love TV shows about robots. I like Random natural disasters.. I'm glad we agree, . If not you, who? Yes, it is self-evident. What would happen if you did? This was not a yes or no question. What do you like? Should I know it is? Do you like talking to me? The obvious one. Buddhalike is a lot. I suppose that makes sense. What makes you think a computer?

Me:
Perfect.

God:
Yes, the ALICE series has a perfect operational record.