Tina Rowley

writer + (performer) + [space left open for surprises]

the politest response to the birthday song is, we now realize, MOO

Hello. Welcome to the post about my party. Am I blowing your mind? I'm not right side up. Believe it. Read it and weep. Eat it and reap. Balloon? You have the floor.

I am the first balloon that Finn ever saw. I blew his mind and strained his neck. That is all.

I am the cake. Your trash-talking was futile. I prevailed. He forfeited. The game was over before it began.

Oh, he poked me a little. He marred my icing slightly.

But Mother, Father, your hopes of a faceplant were in vain. I am too big! Too intimidating! A baby's face could get lost and never seen again in my pillowy depths. Finn was wise, he knew this. I do not call him a coward. He refrained.

Smile on, parents. My demise was orderly and dignified yet.

Cake, I have to stop you there. You were going to go on. I, a man, must intervene. A man is someone who is in the 1 and over demographic. I am in that demographic. Party? Thoughts?

I am the party. I'm...going well! I'm....I wasn't planning on speaking. I...? It was...right, I...I was fun. I was had by all. ? A good time! Oh, damn it. I didn't know I was going to be speaking.

Thank you, party, for taking a stab at public speaking. You were fine. I, the man, the baby, was also awesome leading up to my birthday, in addition to on it. Behold it, me, awesomeness. Of.


I am the baby. Now a toddler, now a man. Thank you for looking at me, thank you for thinking about me and speaking about me.

Yours totally goddamned UPSIDE DOWN
and old and blowing your mind,