Tina Rowley

writer + (performer) + [space left open for surprises]

going for the oven mitts

We're going to the midwife tomorrow (today, perhaps, from your perspective - TUESDAY). At that midwife appointment, they're going to...do something to encourage labor to begin.


Yes. Last Thursday we had a midwife appointment and she was like, ain't no reason for you not to have this baby sooner rather than later. We're keeping this eye on my blood pressure and on things not developing into preeclampsia, and we got what might be a big baby in there. So, the feeling is, he's cooked. Let's maybe encourage him to emerge from the oven.

I'm for it, I'll tell you. Who is the elephant in the picture? Is it Finn? Am I the elephant? That's a possible yes and a definite goddamn yes. OOF OOF UGH DAVE HELP ME GET OUT OF BED HELP ME UP TO A SITTING POSITION ON THE COUCH OH MY HIP MY FEET MY BELLY.

And then also it's like....hmmm. I think I have to pee. I'm going to get up and OH NO THERE'S NO TIME I MUST RUN FOR IT AAH AAH PANTS DOWN GET THE PANTS DOWN IT'S A RACE AGAINST THE PEE AAH WHO WILL WIN?! Now, miraculously, I have always won. But by a nose, motherfuckers. By a nose. By a nosehair. The pee is looking strong these days.

Also, it's like, here's a plate of eggs and toast. I eat it. Three hours later, nobody from my digestive system has come to retrieve the eggs and toast. They sit there, making me feel creepy. I burp forty times. Nothing is happening.

Also, who is this baby? I keep picturing random babies, because I've never seen a baby of my own. I can't wait to see his actual face. It's like I'm looking at a picture frame that I bought at the store that still has the flimsy model picture in it, standing in for my loved one.

Dave's mama arrives from Australia tomorrow night (tonight....TUESDAY). Hurrah! It's all getting so real.

I wonder what Midwifey will do. She can't strip my membranes because I got a situation where that's not supposed to go down. Will I get acupuncture? Will she give me an herb? A talking-to? Is she going to feed me spicy enchiladas? Is she going to try and have sex with me? Just how are we going to convince this baby to get out of the oven?


P.S. I send a large shout-out to Miss Bladio Blogio, who took me on a great shopping expedition to Target and Whole Foods yesterday (day before yesterday....SUNDAY), so I didn't have to drive. It was a fine time and she was a honey to do it. I bought all manner of whack shit as I have no idea what I'm doing.